One of the best international Miggy J dance off's... EVER.

Be sure to turn your audio down, as the amatuer recordings haven't left much in that area.

Classic!

And so we meet again...

Good day to you, blog! It truly has been a long time, and in the spirit of the day I'm moving on past the neglect and on to better things. So, as it goes, Kelly Speaks is up and running and should have much more than lame, sad ramblings of a girl missing her husband. Check back often... tell your friends... See you all soon!

It's almost June...

That's right folks, almost June- which means it's almost at the 4 month mark. 1/4 of the way there! Each day is closer, and I'm trying to remind myself of that each chance I can.

I know it's been a while, it seems life has gotten the best of me for the last month, and I have not taken the time to really listen to my thoughts and pen them down. Or type them down, if you will. ...and I will.

Basically I've been riding this roller coaster like it has been my only job- and for a while there it was. There have been many ups and downs lately, too many in fact to recount, but the important thing is that I recognize that. I understand that it is just going to be cyclical- a good week or so, then some ify ones, a bad one here and there... but it always gets better. I've also learned that ignoring the truth may be helpful in the short term to pass a few weeks with no problems, but it always catches up with you and bites a chunk out of your ass. Don't get me wrong, I'd still love to be able to forget Josh is even gone and just live going through the motions for the next year (I almost can stop saying that... and start saying 11 months- hip hip hooray). But, alas, I recognize that I have to take my own advice and deal-actually deal with this array of crazy thoughts, feelings, and emotions that seem to be coursing through my body at an alarming rate. Perhaps I should talk to someone- a 3rd party to vent and sort them out. Perhaps writing would do the trick cheaper. These are still things I'm tossing around.

I'm totally and completely fine with him being gone. Truth be told, you get to a point where you don't seem to think about those little things that used to make your heart break in the beginning months of him being gone. On one hand it is a blessing- the more you dwell the suckier life is. On the other, it's just a sad concept- you forget the small loving gestures and what they're like. I suppose it is another one of those self protection things again. But hell, it works. Also, I feel like I have no cause to complain when he's gone as long as he's safe. THAT is what I'm completely and totally not ok about. Some days I can ignore it, others it consumes me. I just don't know how to deal with that one, and fankly I don't think anyone has the answer. Let's be honest, there's no solution.

But we've been talking and I feel like we've been communicating better over the past 2 or 3 weeks, and that makes me really happy. AND, I bought my plane ticket for Europe! So I'm off for a month and a half on August 30th. I can not wait, it is 3 months away, and I'll see Josh in about 3 1/2 hopefully! That seems so short to me right now, and that simple fact makes me smile.

So now I'm off, I'll do my very best to make time for my inner thoughts to spill out onto the screen... But until then kids, play safe...

365 amazing days...

One year ago today we were married. 365 days of officially being wed, and yet not together. Unofficially, we were together for 6 months- tops- of that year.

It's not like each and every day isn't hard enough, but today especially. For instance, currently- it is 12:30 am the night before the 1st. This time last year I had said goodbye to Joshua at the driveway of my house and saw him off to the hotel where he's spend his last night of un-weddedness. I crept back to my bed and what stands out is the yearning in my heart to have him back around me. Even though I knew it was one night- one night before we were married no less- I still didn't want to let go of him and let him go to the hotel. That feeling is still going strong, it is safe to say. But I did let him go- a running theme- and laid in my bed desperately trying to sleep so it would be morning so we could get married.

I find myself in a similar situation now. I didn't want to let go of him when he had to leave for Iraq. But now all I want to do is get to sleep so I can wake up and have this be over.

Even thought it has only been a matter of months out of the year we'd been together, it was an amazing year. Packed with loads of craziness and things I never thought I'd have to deal with. One thing is for sure, though, this is all worth the love and support I get from him. Joshua, you are worth every minute away... every tear... every wistful wish- because I know I have your love. And no matter where you are in this world, that will never change. I know I have that to turn to when things get bad. And I appreciate the amazing husband you have become.

Now if I can just get through tomorrow. Tomorrow- a day filled with more volleyball games at the tournament... and the tears that are bound to fall. Lord please don't let me cry in front of those girls- they don't need to see their coach lose it. Today was harder than I thought it would be. I thought I'd be able to write it off as another day he's gone- unlike any other- just an important day to us. But no... it's been racked with emotion and crying and heart aching. I just miss him so much, and when I actually step back and think about what it is we're going through it makes my head spin. So I try not to do that. Head spinning=all bad.

So I'll make my way through the maze of "happy anniversaries" and "I'm so sorry he's gone's" tomorrow with as much tact as possible, but I can't make any promises. The flood gates, I'm sure, will be open. Watch out people, emotional basket case is on the loose.

Joshua, you're my best friend and the most amazing husband. I love you more than I could ever explain. Know that I'm thinking about you always, and that you make me so happy. Kisses lover...xoxoxoxoxox

Ever-present boredom

When one works, they can actually appreciate those coveted two days off per week. The weekend, including the celebratory Friday night, is waited on ever so impatiently. Until, that is… you don’t have a job or anything to keep you busy. Then it becomes merely one of the other plain days of the week. I miss having the weekend actually mean something and having it to look forward to. To genuinely be able to enjoy those few days off that are meant to rejuvenate and relax.

Finding a job is no easy task. It is quite discouraging to send out resumes. How tragic that when you’re in college, most truly don’t know what they want to do for the rest of their lives. And college is the one great place to get a foot in the door of a potential job. You must major in something and have work experience that has practicality in today’s working environment. I, however, was a babysitter and an English major. To teach, it’s great. To do anything else- which is what I’m craving, I can’t seem to get anyone to call me back. So effectively I wasted 4 years and $30,000 on an education that can’t even get me an office administrative job. I’m so frustrated with that.

And then, of course, since I have nothing to do, I dwell. I dwell hopelessly and my days go so slowly. I sit around alone and try to think of what I can do that day. There are only so many times one can go to Target, IKEA, or the mall to distract themselves. Plus, it isn’t easy on the pocketbook, which- again, isn’t getting any help from a job. It’s making me crazy with loneliness and missing him… not to mention being hopelessly worried. I have to find a job- I WILL find a job. Asap. Preferably one that won’t oppose a month in Germany circa September.

I love how I want my cake and eat it too- I want a job- any job- but it must fit my vacational needs. As I told Josh today… if my boss won’t let me take 4 weeks off to see my husband who’s been in Iraq, then I’ll tell him to eff off because they clearly don’t support our troops. Verbatim.
So yeah, Europe! Apparently Josh has been told that it would be September for sure, but he doesn’t know when. Basically, I’m to go to Geneva where I have a free place to stay, and await the date they let him leave for his two weeks. I guess I can handle that… except that I’ll be ridiculously excited and unable to concentrate on the fun things I could be sightseeing in the meantime while waiting for him. Whatever, I’ll take it. I just can’t wait to give him the biggest hug ever and kiss him all night long. I LOVE YOU JOSHUA!!!

So I’m off to check on flight amounts as of today… I’ll update. Be right back…
*** all about $1500. Oh well, I suppose you do what you’ve got to do.

I’m off to my usual night ritual, daily show and colbert report with the tv on sleep. Off I go!

Strikes and gutters...

I’ve been working the past two days at the NCAA tournament and I’ve realized just how much I miss being productive and busy. I only wish I were getting paid for my 10 hours of work per day and perhaps could turn it into something else. But at least I get a taste of what it is like behind the scenes at an athletic event of such magnitude, and I really love the media-relations side. I could work in media, I really have enjoyed myself. It has served as a distraction from Josh being gone, although not a very good one.

Turns out one of the guys there was in a reserve unit and wanted to talk military. At first it’s good to talk about Joshua, it helps me feel connected. But then when the guys starts telling me- "oh yeah, for sure you’ll get another deployment" eff off, man. What woman wants to hear that about their husband? And especially during their currently life period of suck. And I was also advised to under no circumstances let him go on inactive ready reserve. What the hell, that’s my one thing I’m looking forward to. So now I’m a mess, I’m the only one here tonight and I have no one to cry to. EFF.

You know how they always say there are up’s and down’s… I’m in a valley. And the top looks so far away. I know I always get back up, and hopefully tomorrow will be good, but I’m so incredibly sad for him right now. And so worried.

He’s started doing 3-day rotations living in a safe house in the city, so I don’t get to talk to him more than 2 times a week. I had just gotten used to the old routine, now I have to find another way. It’s really difficult, and I’m driving myself crazy thinking about what he’s doing and what time it is there, and all the negatives. I just need, apparently, to have people around me at all times. Not necessarily there talking to me, but just there, physically, in case of emergency.
On another note, I had about 4-5 creepy guys shamelessly try to talk to me today. So I’ve got that going for me… creep-o’s think they’ve got a shot. Awesome.

So after 4 basketball games and equal amounts of press conferences, I’m exhausted. Not too exhausted, however, to be crazy about falling asleep and be wacko nutso emotional. Anyway, that’s the update, I love him, I’m sad, and I can’t wait to talk to him again.

A new room to call home

So here I am.. alone in a 2 bedroom apartment in Sacramento with my stuff half still in boxes. It is slightly reminiscent of about a month ago when I was leaving Kansas. Stuff everywhere, half put in boxes, half spewn about. The only difference is that this time last year Joshua was right next to me, spooning the shit out of me.

Hell, this is awful. My… our… bed is in a new room in a new town with no Joshua to be found. You have to empathize here. I’m so used to having him in this bed with me. His body here, his smells, his inevitable sweat covering the sheets during the night. The fat that I don’t have any of that except a faint sharpee residue from a said sweaty night and a sharpee’d shirt. Damn I miss him. These next few nights will be hard. It’s never easy to change gears. I shifted into home mode, and I found a pretty good rhythm there. Fall asleep to the tv every night on the couch so I could distract myself from thinking in bed at night… leave my computer on full blast so I’d hear him sign online, and of course- my phone plugged in and right next to my ear. Now I have to re-establish a routine, which hopefully will be easy once cable comes in on Sunday.

I talked to him yesterday for about 3 minutes- it is all his phone card had left on it. It was such a tease. Such a nasty tease. All I got was an I love you and an I miss you out before it hung up. Nothing since, over 24 hours. Boooo. I hate this waiting thing, hoping he’s ok. He went into Baghdad about 3 days ago for the first time. This was news to me when I heard it… I didn’t know he was already doing ride alongs. He said he had fun and it seemed like his platoon was well trained for what lies ahead, but shit. It’s real. Once he starts patrolling around the city, there’s no realer it can get. What the hell… how do you distract yourself from that? Especially with no job…. Damn.

So bottom line, I miss the hell out of him and I’m so sad to be in our bed alone. In a new place that he’ll never see, unless there is some overlap in lease coverage or I take a few pictures to send to him. I just can’t wait to see him on his 2 weeks, whenever that may be. Hopefully it will be in September like he asked… 7 months. I can do that. That’s easy. Just have to get to that point and keep my eyes on the prize. Until then, I LOVE YOU JOSHUA WITH ALL OF MY HEART AND SOUL, AND I MISS YOU SO MUCH. I AM SO PROUD OF YOU AND AM THINKING OF YOU EVERY SECOND. I LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU!!!!!!!

sitting, waiting, wishing...

He’s been there.. the "real" there- Baghdad… for a few days now, officially. How do I feel? Well, the first day he was there I almost broke down a few different times during random conversations, and felt pretty darn crazy. Luckily Josh was able to call me and I could get it all out to him. I feel so much better when I hear his voice- it soothes me to my soul and I feel like I can breath again, and start all over in my away-from-josh-o-meter. He’s doing well, they’re apparently just hanging around there for a few days… which is just another waiting point. I’m a little more crazy now… how will I be once he starts running around in the city?

I’m still waiting until I hear whether or not he’ll be staying at the camp he’s at or in the city in a house.. basically in a house they’ll pretty much have little contact with phones and no internet. You can see the obvious choice I’m praying so hard for.

It’s hard to keep your composure for so long.. eventually it starts to slip. I’m trying to hard to stay positive, but I’m starting to slip. I’m failing to see the point of him being there. I’m hoping with everything I have that they make a difference and can help the country, but I’m not seeing it. I know I have to give this latest plan a chance, and I will. I just miss him and selfishly want him home.

So I’ll continue to avoid the news and the newspapers, and magazines, and websites to try to stay ignorant of what’s happening. Because regardless of where something is or what happens, if I hear of something bad on the news- I’ll immediately think it’s him. That is a crazy and horrible feeling.

Hopefully soon I’ll have more eloquent things to say, right now I’m just waiting for joshua to call, since I haven’t heard from him today. Hoping this goes well, praying for the best and sending positive thoughts- trying to corral as much positive energy as possible and send it his way. I just want him safe and want to get through this as easily as possible.

Until then, I love you baby!

Iraq: The new cancer

This occurred to me while amidst 11 drunken women at a "bunco night". Iraq is the new cancer. Lets all take this time to think about what the word cancer denotes. We immediately think of pain and suffering, of an affliction which often is not caused by anything one may or may not have done, and the constant living with the feeling of dread and fright. So yes, while Iraq does not carry the weight of cancer in all respects, it certainly is up there with a similar response to hearing the news.
If someone tells you they have cancer, one of the first responses is- oh, I’m so sorry. People do not know enough about cancer to understand how to help someone suffering from it. We can’t offer them chicken noodle soup and 7UP to cure it. The aspects of the disease are so beyond the average person that all we can do is apologize for their suffering and tell them we’ll hope for the best for them. And really, what more can one do.
Telling someone your husband is in Iraq generates the same response. No one knows how to deal with that. And you get the token, I’m so sorry. And my personal favorite: "how do you do it? I could never do that… that must be so hard". Um, yes. It is hard. So the only accurate way I can equate my feelings in that moment is to someone who is sharing that they have a life threatening disease. Wow, that paints a bleak picture.
Yet, with cancer, there is treatment. There is chemotherapy or radiation… even surgery to cut out the bad. How, then, do you treat the disease of Iraq? One may search the medicinal treatment, as many do, and pump themselves full of anti depressants, but what does that do? Mute your body so that you don’t have to deal? Because for most of us in this there is no chemical reason to be on antidepressants, just the hope for an escape from this disease. So what if you opt out of medication? There is no logical treatment for Iraq, nothing anyone can say to make you better- no prescription any doctor can conjure up to put to rest these feelings of loneliness, fright, and pain.
So what do we do in the meantime? While waiting for a cure for Iraq? Well, personally, I sit and fester in my Iraq disease. It is always living inside of me, sometimes dormant… sometimes scratching at the surface to be soothed. But in all of this, the fact remains- there is no cure for Iraq.

Pinch yourself.. you're not dreaming

I just made it back to Californian soil… Stocktonian soil to be exact. So with that, he’s gone. Just like that the good-byes were said, arms were pried off of him and I was forced to drive away. Yes, it truly was that depressing. Anyway, he left and spent the rest of the day travelling- I’ll admit it was really hard not knowing where he was, when he was getting there, or if he’d even be able to let me know if he got wherever it was he was going. But like the great husband he is, he called me last night from Germany, and I managed to talk to him today in Kuwait. (Although I’m not satisfied with the few lines of instant messenger I had with him tonight, I’ll admit I’m staying up to hope he gets online).
So the first night away sucked, but since I was so tired and my eyes hurt so bad from crying, I actually fell asleep no problem. Although I’ll admit now- even the thought of sleeping one more night in our bedroom makes me sick to my tummy. Yesterday was the hardest. Not knowing where he was, and just being in the apartment all day being reminded of him was killer. Thankfully the movers came early this morning and I peaced out of Kansas for at least a year.
Goodness gracious, a year- at least! Eff, man. That’s a hell of a long time. Established rule: One day at a time. I can only worry about what I’m doing tomorrow, not a hundred (or 365) days from now. Hopefully then that will keep it in smaller scale.
For the most part, though, amazingly I seem to be doing ok. I haven’t had many major breakdowns.. or even any.. yet, but rest assured, the night is still young- so to speak. I think I’m protecting myself somehow from the reality of this all. Thinking about the dangers is so overwhelmingly terrifying that my mind has somehow, thankfully, found a way to ignore it- at least for now.
So now that I’m home my life has turned to making myself available to talk at any point and always with him. See crazy Internet habits of current, and I’m getting a pda phone tomorrow to make sure I have Internet with me everywhere I go. It’s just that talking to him is like a shot of a drug I’m so desperately craving. I’ve oft referred to this as an addiction metaphor, but it’s so true. I love him so much and can’t have him around- I need my fix of Joshua somehow, so when he calls or IM’s it makes me SO happy its unreal.
But, I’m still on the "better myself" track, so I definitely want to make sure that stays. Hopefully I’ll find a place next week, then find a job, get an animal and try not to go crazy worrying. I have no idea how to make that last one work- everything else I can make happen… but that last one is pretty much close to impossible.
Anyway, I wanted to update this- I’m doing ok for now, keep checking back as I’m sure it will be quite the roller coaster…

T minus 7 days

Well, here we go. It is a week from when "they" say Josh will leave for Baghdad. Granted, the date has changed a time or 12, but "they’re" fairly sure his company will leave early in the morning on the 6th. This means I will have to say my final good-byes for a while late late on the 5th. Simply thinking about that moment makes me sick. I have pleaded and cried and hoped this moment wouldn’t come for over three years now. Three years of this! What does that do to a person? Well, so far, it has given me extremely high blood pressure, a heart condition, depression, anxiety, but also an overall appreciation for life. Does this appreciation make any of this worth it? I guess that issue will unravel itself over the next year to two years. If anything else, this time should teach me who I really am… I am already asking myself the tough questions and am finally ready to take them on. Topics like, what am I here for? What exactly is my faith? What kind of a person do I want to be? All of these would be so much easier to tackle of I had the everyday support of my husband. I know I’ll have it, but you don’t need me to explain that support coming from halfway around the world is not the same as support that is right there hugging you telling you you are ok. So objective 1- learn about ME.

Objective 2- try to be as ignorant about what is going on as possible. The more I watch tv, the more people talk about it with me- whether it is their views or what they’ve heard, the more I freak out. When I see a headline on a newspaper, or catch the tail end of a ticker, I automatically think it’s him. I need to remove myself from as much of that as possible, and only listen to what HE tells me. He knows what I can and can not handle, and what is important for me to know. I trust I will know all I need to from my husband.

Objective 3- stay busy. I swear, if I have to hear someone else tell me I have to stay busy, I’ll scream. I GET IT. I understand I have to stay busy. Do you know what happens when my mind stops!? You don’t want to know. It is imperative that my mind is busy as much as possible. I guess the main reason it upsets me is that that is the ONLY thing someone can say to me to try to make it better. But it doesn’t make it better. It only reinforces the suck. That the only thing people can say is to stay busy. But truly, there is nothing else to say. No one knows how to do this. Even those who have dealt with deployments before can only tell me that one hated piece of advice.

Which brings me to my closing though for the evening. Where is the user’s manual for this? Where is the "deployment for dummies" book? Bottom line, there is no book. Even people who have been here can’t even describe how to handle it. Sending your husband to war is one of the most unbelievably horrible experiences for anyone to undergo. But it is my duty, I feel at least, to document how I feel. Hell, I don’t care if people think I’m crazy- I am! If someone can read this and find solace that someone else has had these crazy thoughts or experiences in dealing with this, than my job has been done. I don’t have the playbook for this, but I hope to get through this with my head up and a greater understanding for what it means to grieve your husband going to war. Until next time folks… positive thoughts and prayers are incredibly appreciated.