T minus 7 days

Well, here we go. It is a week from when "they" say Josh will leave for Baghdad. Granted, the date has changed a time or 12, but "they’re" fairly sure his company will leave early in the morning on the 6th. This means I will have to say my final good-byes for a while late late on the 5th. Simply thinking about that moment makes me sick. I have pleaded and cried and hoped this moment wouldn’t come for over three years now. Three years of this! What does that do to a person? Well, so far, it has given me extremely high blood pressure, a heart condition, depression, anxiety, but also an overall appreciation for life. Does this appreciation make any of this worth it? I guess that issue will unravel itself over the next year to two years. If anything else, this time should teach me who I really am… I am already asking myself the tough questions and am finally ready to take them on. Topics like, what am I here for? What exactly is my faith? What kind of a person do I want to be? All of these would be so much easier to tackle of I had the everyday support of my husband. I know I’ll have it, but you don’t need me to explain that support coming from halfway around the world is not the same as support that is right there hugging you telling you you are ok. So objective 1- learn about ME.

Objective 2- try to be as ignorant about what is going on as possible. The more I watch tv, the more people talk about it with me- whether it is their views or what they’ve heard, the more I freak out. When I see a headline on a newspaper, or catch the tail end of a ticker, I automatically think it’s him. I need to remove myself from as much of that as possible, and only listen to what HE tells me. He knows what I can and can not handle, and what is important for me to know. I trust I will know all I need to from my husband.

Objective 3- stay busy. I swear, if I have to hear someone else tell me I have to stay busy, I’ll scream. I GET IT. I understand I have to stay busy. Do you know what happens when my mind stops!? You don’t want to know. It is imperative that my mind is busy as much as possible. I guess the main reason it upsets me is that that is the ONLY thing someone can say to me to try to make it better. But it doesn’t make it better. It only reinforces the suck. That the only thing people can say is to stay busy. But truly, there is nothing else to say. No one knows how to do this. Even those who have dealt with deployments before can only tell me that one hated piece of advice.

Which brings me to my closing though for the evening. Where is the user’s manual for this? Where is the "deployment for dummies" book? Bottom line, there is no book. Even people who have been here can’t even describe how to handle it. Sending your husband to war is one of the most unbelievably horrible experiences for anyone to undergo. But it is my duty, I feel at least, to document how I feel. Hell, I don’t care if people think I’m crazy- I am! If someone can read this and find solace that someone else has had these crazy thoughts or experiences in dealing with this, than my job has been done. I don’t have the playbook for this, but I hope to get through this with my head up and a greater understanding for what it means to grieve your husband going to war. Until next time folks… positive thoughts and prayers are incredibly appreciated.