Pinch yourself.. you're not dreaming

I just made it back to Californian soil… Stocktonian soil to be exact. So with that, he’s gone. Just like that the good-byes were said, arms were pried off of him and I was forced to drive away. Yes, it truly was that depressing. Anyway, he left and spent the rest of the day travelling- I’ll admit it was really hard not knowing where he was, when he was getting there, or if he’d even be able to let me know if he got wherever it was he was going. But like the great husband he is, he called me last night from Germany, and I managed to talk to him today in Kuwait. (Although I’m not satisfied with the few lines of instant messenger I had with him tonight, I’ll admit I’m staying up to hope he gets online).
So the first night away sucked, but since I was so tired and my eyes hurt so bad from crying, I actually fell asleep no problem. Although I’ll admit now- even the thought of sleeping one more night in our bedroom makes me sick to my tummy. Yesterday was the hardest. Not knowing where he was, and just being in the apartment all day being reminded of him was killer. Thankfully the movers came early this morning and I peaced out of Kansas for at least a year.
Goodness gracious, a year- at least! Eff, man. That’s a hell of a long time. Established rule: One day at a time. I can only worry about what I’m doing tomorrow, not a hundred (or 365) days from now. Hopefully then that will keep it in smaller scale.
For the most part, though, amazingly I seem to be doing ok. I haven’t had many major breakdowns.. or even any.. yet, but rest assured, the night is still young- so to speak. I think I’m protecting myself somehow from the reality of this all. Thinking about the dangers is so overwhelmingly terrifying that my mind has somehow, thankfully, found a way to ignore it- at least for now.
So now that I’m home my life has turned to making myself available to talk at any point and always with him. See crazy Internet habits of current, and I’m getting a pda phone tomorrow to make sure I have Internet with me everywhere I go. It’s just that talking to him is like a shot of a drug I’m so desperately craving. I’ve oft referred to this as an addiction metaphor, but it’s so true. I love him so much and can’t have him around- I need my fix of Joshua somehow, so when he calls or IM’s it makes me SO happy its unreal.
But, I’m still on the "better myself" track, so I definitely want to make sure that stays. Hopefully I’ll find a place next week, then find a job, get an animal and try not to go crazy worrying. I have no idea how to make that last one work- everything else I can make happen… but that last one is pretty much close to impossible.
Anyway, I wanted to update this- I’m doing ok for now, keep checking back as I’m sure it will be quite the roller coaster…