It's almost June...

That's right folks, almost June- which means it's almost at the 4 month mark. 1/4 of the way there! Each day is closer, and I'm trying to remind myself of that each chance I can.

I know it's been a while, it seems life has gotten the best of me for the last month, and I have not taken the time to really listen to my thoughts and pen them down. Or type them down, if you will. ...and I will.

Basically I've been riding this roller coaster like it has been my only job- and for a while there it was. There have been many ups and downs lately, too many in fact to recount, but the important thing is that I recognize that. I understand that it is just going to be cyclical- a good week or so, then some ify ones, a bad one here and there... but it always gets better. I've also learned that ignoring the truth may be helpful in the short term to pass a few weeks with no problems, but it always catches up with you and bites a chunk out of your ass. Don't get me wrong, I'd still love to be able to forget Josh is even gone and just live going through the motions for the next year (I almost can stop saying that... and start saying 11 months- hip hip hooray). But, alas, I recognize that I have to take my own advice and deal-actually deal with this array of crazy thoughts, feelings, and emotions that seem to be coursing through my body at an alarming rate. Perhaps I should talk to someone- a 3rd party to vent and sort them out. Perhaps writing would do the trick cheaper. These are still things I'm tossing around.

I'm totally and completely fine with him being gone. Truth be told, you get to a point where you don't seem to think about those little things that used to make your heart break in the beginning months of him being gone. On one hand it is a blessing- the more you dwell the suckier life is. On the other, it's just a sad concept- you forget the small loving gestures and what they're like. I suppose it is another one of those self protection things again. But hell, it works. Also, I feel like I have no cause to complain when he's gone as long as he's safe. THAT is what I'm completely and totally not ok about. Some days I can ignore it, others it consumes me. I just don't know how to deal with that one, and fankly I don't think anyone has the answer. Let's be honest, there's no solution.

But we've been talking and I feel like we've been communicating better over the past 2 or 3 weeks, and that makes me really happy. AND, I bought my plane ticket for Europe! So I'm off for a month and a half on August 30th. I can not wait, it is 3 months away, and I'll see Josh in about 3 1/2 hopefully! That seems so short to me right now, and that simple fact makes me smile.

So now I'm off, I'll do my very best to make time for my inner thoughts to spill out onto the screen... But until then kids, play safe...