365 amazing days...

One year ago today we were married. 365 days of officially being wed, and yet not together. Unofficially, we were together for 6 months- tops- of that year.

It's not like each and every day isn't hard enough, but today especially. For instance, currently- it is 12:30 am the night before the 1st. This time last year I had said goodbye to Joshua at the driveway of my house and saw him off to the hotel where he's spend his last night of un-weddedness. I crept back to my bed and what stands out is the yearning in my heart to have him back around me. Even though I knew it was one night- one night before we were married no less- I still didn't want to let go of him and let him go to the hotel. That feeling is still going strong, it is safe to say. But I did let him go- a running theme- and laid in my bed desperately trying to sleep so it would be morning so we could get married.

I find myself in a similar situation now. I didn't want to let go of him when he had to leave for Iraq. But now all I want to do is get to sleep so I can wake up and have this be over.

Even thought it has only been a matter of months out of the year we'd been together, it was an amazing year. Packed with loads of craziness and things I never thought I'd have to deal with. One thing is for sure, though, this is all worth the love and support I get from him. Joshua, you are worth every minute away... every tear... every wistful wish- because I know I have your love. And no matter where you are in this world, that will never change. I know I have that to turn to when things get bad. And I appreciate the amazing husband you have become.

Now if I can just get through tomorrow. Tomorrow- a day filled with more volleyball games at the tournament... and the tears that are bound to fall. Lord please don't let me cry in front of those girls- they don't need to see their coach lose it. Today was harder than I thought it would be. I thought I'd be able to write it off as another day he's gone- unlike any other- just an important day to us. But no... it's been racked with emotion and crying and heart aching. I just miss him so much, and when I actually step back and think about what it is we're going through it makes my head spin. So I try not to do that. Head spinning=all bad.

So I'll make my way through the maze of "happy anniversaries" and "I'm so sorry he's gone's" tomorrow with as much tact as possible, but I can't make any promises. The flood gates, I'm sure, will be open. Watch out people, emotional basket case is on the loose.

Joshua, you're my best friend and the most amazing husband. I love you more than I could ever explain. Know that I'm thinking about you always, and that you make me so happy. Kisses lover...xoxoxoxoxox